Death of a friendship

Grieving. It's one of the messy parts of our humanity. God created us to be in relationship, not only with God but also with one another. When those relationships end, it hurts and grief ensues.

We're used to hearing about people die, but we don't often talk about the death of relationships. Sometimes it's a romantic relationship, sometimes it's a business relationship, often it's a friendship. Relationships die for any number of reasons. Sometimes people simply grow and change and drift apart. This happens a lot when high school graduates head off to college. Many of them come home during summer after their freshman year at school, only to find that time has changed them and their friendship. Some of those friendships die.

Sometimes friendships die of a wound that's not properly cared for. One party in the friendship is wounded, and the friendship never recovers. Often it dies quickly after being wounded. Other times it dies slowly of internal bleeding. Sometimes a friendship dies from lack of nurishment. One or both parties simply stop trying, stop putting time, energy, and effort into caring for the friendship. Sometimes a friendship just suddenly dies for no apparent reason. And the party who's left is left to wonder what happened, if there's something that could have been done, if there's someway it could be repaired.

But regardless of how a friendship dies, when they do die, we grieve. It's important for us to acknowledge the pain and the hurt that happens in this type of death. It certainly is usually not as intense as when a loved one physically dies. It's a different type of hurt and pain but it is hurt and pain nonetheless. It's also different from a physical death in that we have to find closure in different ways. In a physical death there's a body, a funeral or memorial service, often a grave that can be visited. But with the death of a relationship, there is no body, no graveside to visit. There's no service where society recognizes the loss you've experienced. It becomes difficult to find closure to that friendship, especially if it happened with no explanation.

We do well to acknowledge our grief and work through it. Grief brings up all sorts of emotions within us: sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, confusion, loneliness, irritability, and numbness to name a few. It's important for us to acknowledge those feelings and work through them. Otherwise they just fester within us. As we go through the hard work of grief, eventually we do get to a point of closure and acceptance. We get to a point where we can remember the good times with joy and we can laugh at the funny photos we have. Eventually we do get to a point where we can begin to heal from the wound that was left by the friendship's absence.

God created us for relationship. Sometimes those relationships die and we grieve their death. But that doesn't mean the relationship was worthless or pointless. God is still able to use those relationships to heal us and others, to bring about forgiveness and love, to help us be better people, to help us learn what our gifts are and to help us realize the things we need to change. No matter how long or short a relationship is, God is able to bring about all sorts of good out of it. On the occasions I have grieved the death of a friendship, this is what brings me comfort. I trust that God is still at work in their lives, constantly working for their good. I was privileged to be a part of that for a time. Although the friendship is dead, I know God's love for them is not.